April 7, 2008
I let Assurance go this morning. I am sitting here on the computer writing because I don’t’ know
what else to do. Assurance is lying on the lawn out in front of my house. We are waiting for the
truck to come. I am beside myself, I feel like a murderer. I pray he has the relief I was hoping he
would have. I don’t have the relief I was hoping I would have. Selfish I suppose, but I was hoping
for an epiphany after he left, an “ah ha” moment, a feeling that it was definitely the right thing to do.
It was truly one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever caused to happen. I don’t know if I
can do it again. Euthanizing a horse for quality of life issues is something I have not been faced
with before. Euthanizing a horse in extreme pain or after a horrible accident is something I have
done many times, and while horribly sad, I am capable of dong it. I don’t feel like a murderer after
Quality of life, who am I to decide what someone’s quality of life is or is not. Of course everyone
would argue that the horse is in captivity and I am therefore causing him to suffer. Well, to some
degree I believe the same thing, obviously, because I just put him down, but it goes against
everything I believe in my human life. I believe we all create our own reality, complete with
happiness, pain, suffering and even death. When something awful happens I don’t say to myself,
why me? I say to myself, what is my role in that. I am no victim to circumstance. I create everything
around me, including this situation. So I ask myself, what was my role in this, what did I learn, what
will my choice be next time. I think the answer for me at this moment in time, is next time, I will let
them go sooner. I will give them one gallant effort to recover and survive and if that doesn’t work, I
will let them go. Of course I say that now, after it’s over, and Assurance is gone. Will I probably feel
differently if I am faced with the same situation again, I don’t know. When they stand their looking
at you and communicating that its not there time, I listen. When they stand there looking at me and
saying Ok, I’m ready to go now, I don’t trust myself, what if I am hearing wrong, what if something’s
in the way of our clear communication, what if…. I am making a mistake.
I clearly remember all the times I thought, Ok this is it, he’s down again, its time to go. I would say if
you aren’t ready to go you need to show me, as soon as I would say it to him, he would pop up and
run off, he also usually poop at the same time. During all this time, his eyes stayed bright, he had
energy, he had fun, and he was curious and often naughty. But in the last few months his demeanor
changed, his eyes dimmed a bit, he wasn’t playing much anymore. He seemed ready to go, he was
having more and more bad days, and his enthusiasm had really waned. I asked him to give me a
concrete sign that it was over, he was done, and wanted to be released. He promptly grew a tumor,
visible to all on his forehead. I thought, ok, that’s pretty clear, thank you. I had every intention of
letting him go that week, but then there was an accident here at the ranch, and we lost another
member of our horse family. It was an unexpected, bone crushing loss. I didn’t feel capable of
letting Assurance go that week as I had planned. So I waited and the longer I waited the more
unsure I would become. Because he would have good day, and I would think, maybe he’ll have
more. Then I would remember, that the bad days always come for him now, and he has this tumor on
his head, and his arthritic joint (from the broken Sesamoid bone) was bothering him more and
more. I would remember that his life was no longer filled with more pleasant days than bad, he no
longer chased after the girls, in the end he didn’t even bother to eat the green grass growing in his
paddock, it was 5 inches long in some places. A sure sign that he was done.
The truck has just come and taken Assurances tired body away. I hope I see him again someday. I
know this was the right thing to do, I just hope in time that it will feel right. I hope he’s free now. I
love you Assurance.
I let Assurance go this morning. I am sitting here on the computer writing because I don’t’ know
what else to do. Assurance is lying on the lawn out in front of my house. We are waiting for the
truck to come. I am beside myself, I feel like a murderer. I pray he has the relief I was hoping he
would have. I don’t have the relief I was hoping I would have. Selfish I suppose, but I was hoping
for an epiphany after he left, an “ah ha” moment, a feeling that it was definitely the right thing to do.
It was truly one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever caused to happen. I don’t know if I
can do it again. Euthanizing a horse for quality of life issues is something I have not been faced
with before. Euthanizing a horse in extreme pain or after a horrible accident is something I have
done many times, and while horribly sad, I am capable of dong it. I don’t feel like a murderer after
Quality of life, who am I to decide what someone’s quality of life is or is not. Of course everyone
would argue that the horse is in captivity and I am therefore causing him to suffer. Well, to some
degree I believe the same thing, obviously, because I just put him down, but it goes against
everything I believe in my human life. I believe we all create our own reality, complete with
happiness, pain, suffering and even death. When something awful happens I don’t say to myself,
why me? I say to myself, what is my role in that. I am no victim to circumstance. I create everything
around me, including this situation. So I ask myself, what was my role in this, what did I learn, what
will my choice be next time. I think the answer for me at this moment in time, is next time, I will let
them go sooner. I will give them one gallant effort to recover and survive and if that doesn’t work, I
will let them go. Of course I say that now, after it’s over, and Assurance is gone. Will I probably feel
differently if I am faced with the same situation again, I don’t know. When they stand their looking
at you and communicating that its not there time, I listen. When they stand there looking at me and
saying Ok, I’m ready to go now, I don’t trust myself, what if I am hearing wrong, what if something’s
in the way of our clear communication, what if…. I am making a mistake.
I clearly remember all the times I thought, Ok this is it, he’s down again, its time to go. I would say if
you aren’t ready to go you need to show me, as soon as I would say it to him, he would pop up and
run off, he also usually poop at the same time. During all this time, his eyes stayed bright, he had
energy, he had fun, and he was curious and often naughty. But in the last few months his demeanor
changed, his eyes dimmed a bit, he wasn’t playing much anymore. He seemed ready to go, he was
having more and more bad days, and his enthusiasm had really waned. I asked him to give me a
concrete sign that it was over, he was done, and wanted to be released. He promptly grew a tumor,
visible to all on his forehead. I thought, ok, that’s pretty clear, thank you. I had every intention of
letting him go that week, but then there was an accident here at the ranch, and we lost another
member of our horse family. It was an unexpected, bone crushing loss. I didn’t feel capable of
letting Assurance go that week as I had planned. So I waited and the longer I waited the more
unsure I would become. Because he would have good day, and I would think, maybe he’ll have
more. Then I would remember, that the bad days always come for him now, and he has this tumor on
his head, and his arthritic joint (from the broken Sesamoid bone) was bothering him more and
more. I would remember that his life was no longer filled with more pleasant days than bad, he no
longer chased after the girls, in the end he didn’t even bother to eat the green grass growing in his
paddock, it was 5 inches long in some places. A sure sign that he was done.
The truck has just come and taken Assurances tired body away. I hope I see him again someday. I
know this was the right thing to do, I just hope in time that it will feel right. I hope he’s free now. I
love you Assurance.
I was out with him early this morning. I wanted to make sure he got his favorite food for breakfast.
Pretty much all sugar, Equine senior, apples, pears and carrots. Some of his favorite hay too.
April 8, 2008
Yesterday already seems a million miles away. I walked out to his paddock this morning, it still smells
like him, I like that. I am hesitant to mess with his bedroom, part of me would like to keep it that way
forever, but thats not going to change anything. I keep finding parts of his life all over my home. I
reached for the cream cheese this morning, I keep it in the butter & egg drawer, well thats also where
I keep all of Assurances emergency drugs. All labeled with his name, ready to go on a moments
notice. I am so glad he will never need those drugs again. Then I noticed the pink stain on my white
ceiling. I used to use pepto bismol as a medium for his powdered drugs, one day when I was
preparing them I inadvertently squirted some onto the ceiling. I cleaned it up, but it left this stain I
can't seem to remove. The list goes on, hes everywhere. I realized he is the only horse all over my
house. It will be a sad but good experience to clean all this little stuff up. All the stuff that healthy
horses just don't need. All the stuff that he no longer needs because hes not in any pain any more.
A good friend had a dream about Assurance the night before he left, I wanted to share it, I loved it:
Michelle, I had a vivid dream of Assurance last night: he was standing in a shallow but fast moving
river, and had plunged his head all the way in to take a deep drink of the ice cold water. He lifted his
head up and looked around him; he was surrounded by the most intensely green grassy fields that
were dotted with huge boulders. He was happy and without pain, and from a stand-still in the water he
leapt across the river and galloped across the field and out of my sight.
I know he is ok now, better than he ever was in this body.
Another good friend shared this poem with me, I loved it too:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Horse’s Wish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could you bed me down with kindness
On the soft sweet words of love …
Could you ride me in Man’s finest,
With hands light as a dove
Could you teach me with old wisdom,
By the laws of just and fair …
Could you be my friend forever,
With a trust so true and rare …
Could you meet me on the morrow,
With grasses green and sweet …
Could you free me with out sorrow,
On the plains of loam and wheat …
Could you say farewell with honor,
On the day my life is through …
And remember me forever,
As I shall remember You.
And another good friend shared her thoughts, she lost a beloved horse just a few days earlier.
You did a brave thing, Michelle...
I think the relief will come later. Right now you're numb and it's funny how afterward we replay
everything over and over. Could we have done more? Did we make the call wrong? Should I have
spent the money for that one last procedure?
As you know, we lost a horse here on Friday evening (due to a suspected scapula fracture). I can
relate to what you say. I feel guilt and regret, not really relief. I keep wondering if I could have done
more, gotten a second vet out for a second opinion, waited an hour, something.
All these things we go over in the cold light of day, with our rational mind. But sometimes these
decisions must be made with our intuition and hearts, and for both Assurance and Dancer, there was
a terribly worn or broken body that just could not hold up any longer. We make the decision to let
them go because we knew that it must be this way, and because it was the most loving gesture we
could offer them --- to give them permission to move on.
It's hard for us. It's easier for them.
I really do believe that Assurance, as in Hope's dream, is standing in an icy rushing river, trying to
decide which grassy meadow to gallop to next. I hope Dancer is there with him, and that he isn't being
too bossy....
The list goes on, so many friends sharing their insight, dreams, conversations, it all helps. I
appreciate it more than you know.
May 1, 2008
Its been 3 weeks since Assurance left. It feels more like months. I have had a difficult time dealing
with letting him go. I have had allot of guilt and uncertainty.
Its easy for me to communicate with horses who belong to other people. Its much tougher for me to
communicate with my own. My stuff gets in the way, my own skepticism creeps in and fogs things up.
After Assurance passed, I began asking him for signs that he was ok. I asked for some very specific
stuff, mostly relating to birds. For some reason it seems very easy for both humans and animals to
communicate Thur birds. So I asked Assurance to show me Thur birds. He started immediately.
Almost everyday, something odd and out of the ordinary would occur with a bird. They would fly right
in front of my car, so close to my windshield that it would scare me. They would land in the middle of
the road in front of me and just sit there. If I was in the passenger seat, they would fly beside my
window. Over & Over he showed me birds. I felt better. But I needed one more little miracle, to help
me be certain. I asked him to surprise me with something I wouldn't expect, but would know
immediately that it was from him. Yesterday I received the bill from my vet. The vet itemizes each
procedure under the horses name. It was a busy month here, so I knew that there would be 3 horses
listed on the bill. Click here for Page 14
Pretty much all sugar, Equine senior, apples, pears and carrots. Some of his favorite hay too.
April 8, 2008
Yesterday already seems a million miles away. I walked out to his paddock this morning, it still smells
like him, I like that. I am hesitant to mess with his bedroom, part of me would like to keep it that way
forever, but thats not going to change anything. I keep finding parts of his life all over my home. I
reached for the cream cheese this morning, I keep it in the butter & egg drawer, well thats also where
I keep all of Assurances emergency drugs. All labeled with his name, ready to go on a moments
notice. I am so glad he will never need those drugs again. Then I noticed the pink stain on my white
ceiling. I used to use pepto bismol as a medium for his powdered drugs, one day when I was
preparing them I inadvertently squirted some onto the ceiling. I cleaned it up, but it left this stain I
can't seem to remove. The list goes on, hes everywhere. I realized he is the only horse all over my
house. It will be a sad but good experience to clean all this little stuff up. All the stuff that healthy
horses just don't need. All the stuff that he no longer needs because hes not in any pain any more.
A good friend had a dream about Assurance the night before he left, I wanted to share it, I loved it:
Michelle, I had a vivid dream of Assurance last night: he was standing in a shallow but fast moving
river, and had plunged his head all the way in to take a deep drink of the ice cold water. He lifted his
head up and looked around him; he was surrounded by the most intensely green grassy fields that
were dotted with huge boulders. He was happy and without pain, and from a stand-still in the water he
leapt across the river and galloped across the field and out of my sight.
I know he is ok now, better than he ever was in this body.
Another good friend shared this poem with me, I loved it too:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Horse’s Wish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could you bed me down with kindness
On the soft sweet words of love …
Could you ride me in Man’s finest,
With hands light as a dove
Could you teach me with old wisdom,
By the laws of just and fair …
Could you be my friend forever,
With a trust so true and rare …
Could you meet me on the morrow,
With grasses green and sweet …
Could you free me with out sorrow,
On the plains of loam and wheat …
Could you say farewell with honor,
On the day my life is through …
And remember me forever,
As I shall remember You.
And another good friend shared her thoughts, she lost a beloved horse just a few days earlier.
You did a brave thing, Michelle...
I think the relief will come later. Right now you're numb and it's funny how afterward we replay
everything over and over. Could we have done more? Did we make the call wrong? Should I have
spent the money for that one last procedure?
As you know, we lost a horse here on Friday evening (due to a suspected scapula fracture). I can
relate to what you say. I feel guilt and regret, not really relief. I keep wondering if I could have done
more, gotten a second vet out for a second opinion, waited an hour, something.
All these things we go over in the cold light of day, with our rational mind. But sometimes these
decisions must be made with our intuition and hearts, and for both Assurance and Dancer, there was
a terribly worn or broken body that just could not hold up any longer. We make the decision to let
them go because we knew that it must be this way, and because it was the most loving gesture we
could offer them --- to give them permission to move on.
It's hard for us. It's easier for them.
I really do believe that Assurance, as in Hope's dream, is standing in an icy rushing river, trying to
decide which grassy meadow to gallop to next. I hope Dancer is there with him, and that he isn't being
too bossy....
The list goes on, so many friends sharing their insight, dreams, conversations, it all helps. I
appreciate it more than you know.
May 1, 2008
Its been 3 weeks since Assurance left. It feels more like months. I have had a difficult time dealing
with letting him go. I have had allot of guilt and uncertainty.
Its easy for me to communicate with horses who belong to other people. Its much tougher for me to
communicate with my own. My stuff gets in the way, my own skepticism creeps in and fogs things up.
After Assurance passed, I began asking him for signs that he was ok. I asked for some very specific
stuff, mostly relating to birds. For some reason it seems very easy for both humans and animals to
communicate Thur birds. So I asked Assurance to show me Thur birds. He started immediately.
Almost everyday, something odd and out of the ordinary would occur with a bird. They would fly right
in front of my car, so close to my windshield that it would scare me. They would land in the middle of
the road in front of me and just sit there. If I was in the passenger seat, they would fly beside my
window. Over & Over he showed me birds. I felt better. But I needed one more little miracle, to help
me be certain. I asked him to surprise me with something I wouldn't expect, but would know
immediately that it was from him. Yesterday I received the bill from my vet. The vet itemizes each
procedure under the horses name. It was a busy month here, so I knew that there would be 3 horses
listed on the bill. Click here for Page 14